


I Don't Mind If You Fuck Up My Life

by Vexed_Chaos



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Drug Use, Homophobic Language, Implied Sexual Content, Jiang is just trying to find himself, M/M, Street Racing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:49:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29727885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vexed_Chaos/pseuds/Vexed_Chaos
Summary: Kavinsky studies him for a few seconds, eyes sliding over him before he finally says, “I didn’t realize you were interesting.”  His tone is matter of fact, but also holds a note of approval.Jiang hates the way it makes his face heat and heart beat faster.Basically a fic about how Jiang joins the dream pack.
Relationships: Jiang/Joseph Kavinsky, Jiang/Joseph Kavinsky/Prokopenko, Joseph Kavinsky/Prokopenko
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	I Don't Mind If You Fuck Up My Life

**Author's Note:**

> This took me absolutely forever to write, but I'm so happy that it's finished! 
> 
> Also, if you want to skip the strong homophobic language (it's not used by any of the main characters) just skip the paragraph that starts with "Jiang might feel a slight bit of guilt" and ends with "that what he's doing is justified"
> 
> Title comes from Monsters by All Time Low

Jiang knows he shouldn’t be doing this. He’s risking everything for something that might not even be worth it in the end. If he’s caught, he’s at the very least going to get suspended, if not expelled. He should turn back. 

These thoughts attack him from every angle, but it doesn’t stop his hand from reaching forward and gently turning the door knob in front of him. The door is unlocked like he knew it would be. Before he can stop himself, he quickly steps inside and shuts the door behind him. 

He glances around Mr. Peterson’s classroom, eyes sliding over the familiar poster that lists out some of the digits of pi and over the collection of slowly dying potted plants on the windowsill. Mr. Peterson isn’t exactly the type of person to remember to water his plants. He’s actually a smart person and a good math teacher, but he’s incredibly absentminded when it comes to most practical things. It’s why Jiang knew he might be able to pull this off in the first place. 

It hadn’t been hard to figure out the username and password to Mr. Peterson’s computer. All it had taken was dropping by after school and asking if he would be willing to let Jiang look at the grade he had gotten on the previous math test early. Mr. Peterson hadn’t bothered to even be slightly secretive as he typed in his username and password to access his online gradebook. 

Then again, why should he have been? Jiang wasn’t the type of student who would go in to change his own grade. He never stepped out of line; he was never in trouble. His grades were impeccable. He was a good student, responsible. 

Except, he’s not exactly. He is all of those things: a good student, a person that avoids trouble and who does what he’s told. He’s just...also this as well. 

His heart is pounding wildly in his chest and the room that seems so painfully normal during the day takes on an almost ominous cast in the fading twilight light that’s filtering through the windows. He should go. 

But...he’s already gone through all this trouble and he needs to do this. He has to do this for Skov. 

Jiang quickly makes his way over to the rolling chair behind the desk and turns the computer on. He’s greeted with a screensaver of Mr. Peterson’s children and a window asking for his username and password. Jiang types them both in quickly. The username is just Mr. Peterson’s last name followed by four numbers. His password is HUNTINGTON3, which Jiang thinks might be the name of his dog. Mr. Peterson is exactly the type of person that would name his dog Huntington III. It’s nonsensical, but also slightly pokes fun at the ridiculous generations of kids with the same names as their fathers that pour through the doors of Aglionby everyday. Jiang really does like Mr. Peterson. He hopes that he doesn’t get into trouble for any of this. 

After he logs in, it’s almost painfully simple to navigate to the gradebook and scroll down to the name he needs. Warren Poulson. Even seeing his name makes a curl of disgust flash through Jiang’s body. 

Jiang might feel a slight bit of guilt about doing this to anyone else, but he doesn’t feel anything when it comes to the possibility of ruining Warren’s life. Not after what he had done and continues to do to Skov everyday. Jiang is certain that Warren was the one that spray painted “Fag” onto Skov’s car and also was the one who lit the fire outside of Skov’s room about a month ago. Beyond those major events, the countless times Warren has called Skov a variation of a “faggot whore” and “fucking fairy” are more than enough to convince Jiang that what he’s doing is justified. 

The tipping point though, was when Warren had decided to join the soccer team. Soccer was one of the things Skov loved most and Jiang can’t stand by and watch as it gets ruined for him by someone like Warren. He’s already sat in the stands and watched as Warren tripped Skov in the middle of a game and the times when he’s whispered hateful words in his ear when no one else is listening. 

Jiang has to do this. 

Once he decided that he was going to get Warren kicked out of school, the rest of the plan fell into place fairly easily. Warren isn’t a good student. He’s just another rich boy who has spent his entire life drifting by on daddy’s money. He hasn’t made the grades required to stay at Aglionby for months; he’s teetering closer and closer to expulsion. All Jiang has to do is give him a push. 

He glances over to see what grade Warren made on his last math test. 52%. Jiang rolls his eyes. Typical. He clicks on the grade, clears it, and changes it to a 92%. He’s worried that it’s a bit too obvious to raise Warren’s grade that much, but he needs it to be noticeable. If Mr. Peterson doesn’t notice the change, all of this is going to be for nothing. 

His hope is that Mr. Peterson will notice the inflated grade, realize that he was hacked into, and confront Warren about it. He’ll deny it obviously, but Jiang knows it’s unlikely anyone will believe him. Who would hack into a computer to raise someone else’s grade? Logically, the only person it could have been would be Warren. Mr. Peterson’s classroom is located in the oldest part of the school where there are no security cameras. There won’t be any definitive proof that it was Warren, but again, who else could it have been? The changes get found and Warren gets expelled for hacking into the computer system and changing his grades. It’s a perfect plan. 

Jiang goes back through Warren’s grades and changes a few at random. He has to make sure that this looks like obvious manipulation and not a mistake on Mr. Peterson’s part. Once he’s satisfied with the changes he’s made, he saves them and closes the gradebook window. He’s reaching forward to turn off the computer when he’s startled by the sound of another voice. 

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” 

Jiang quickly looks up, heart rate skyrocketing at the idea he’s going to be found out. He’s going to be expelled and sent home and his parents are going to be even more disappointed in him than they already are. He can almost imagine his older brother’s disparaging look. He had never had any trouble being perfect, not like Jiang did. 

Jiang makes eye contact with Joseph Kavinsky and suddenly, he’s unsure of what to do. 

He’s never once talked to Kavinsky, but he’s heard all the rumours. He knows that Kavinsky is the person to go to if you want drugs, fake IDs, or any other sort of contraband materials. He’s heard endless tales about parties filled with drugs and alcohol that rage throughout the night and into the morning. Kavinsky is not the sort of person that Jiang should ever get involved with.

“I...I was just leaving.” he finally says. He can’t think of any better words to say. He quickly turns the computer monitor off and scrambles to his feet, standing up so fast that he accidentally sends the rolling chair rocketing into the wall with a loud crash. 

Kavinsky laughs, finding something about the situation humorous though Jiang isn’t quite sure what that is. “Be careful. I doubt you would want anyone else to find you changing your grades. I always did wonder how you were so smart. I should have known it was through cheating.” 

Before he can stop himself, Jiang is already scoffing at the notion he was here changing his own grades. As if he needed to do that. He’s smart enough to get top grades without too much effort. He’s always been good at that. That bit of perfection, thankfully, had always come easily to him. “That’s not what I was doing.” 

“Oh?” Kavinsky raises an eyebrow and leans against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. Jiang pretends that the movement doesn’t cause his eyes to slightly linger on the curve of Kavinsky’s body. “Then what were you doing?” 

“It’s none of your business.” he snaps irritably. He can’t leave unless Kavinsky moves out of the doorway and while he could probably push Kavinsky out of the way if he had to, he doesn’t want to do anything that might make Kavinsky inclined to tell anyone what he had seen. He knew that bad things ended up happening to people who crossed Kavinsky. Jiang certainly didn’t want to add his name to that list. 

“Indulge me. I’m curious.” 

Jiang debates on it for a while. Telling him would probably be the fastest way to get himself out of here. If he indulges Kavinsky, he’ll probably let him go without incident. What convinces him in the end is Prokopenko. He’s heard the rumour of what happened to the boys who used to bully Prokopenko before Kavisnky arrived at Aglionby. The story goes that Kavinsky almost beat all of them to death. Jiang isn’t sure how true that is, but he does know that none of them ever returned to school. Something happened to them. If any of it is slightly true though, it assures him that Kavinsky is probably someone who can sympathize with what Jiang is doing. 

“I’m trying to get Warren Poulson expelled because he’s an asshole to Skov. I’m changing his grades to make it look like he’s been raising them and when someone eventually catches on, I’m hoping they expel him.” Jiang feels slightly nervous after saying the words. He’s never explained any of this out loud before to anyone. It sounds slightly cruel when he puts it into words, even if he still fully believes Warren deserves it. 

Kavinsky studies him for a few seconds, eyes sliding over him before he finally says, “I didn’t realize you were interesting.” His tone is matter of fact, but also holds a note of approval. 

Jiang hates the way it makes his face heat and heart beat faster. 

“Can I go now?” He asks, wishing more than anything to get out of this conversation as soon as possible. 

Kavinsky nods and steps to the side and Jiang quickly walks forward. He doesn’t even bother to ask why Kavinsky is hanging around the school after hours. He doesn’t want to prolong this meeting any longer than it has to be. 

Just as he steps into the hallway, Kavinsky reaches out and grabs his wrist, stopping Jiang in his tracks. Kavinsky’s hand is warm and Jiang doesn’t hate the presence of his touch on his skin as much as he probably should. 

“I’m having a party on Saturday at my house. You should stop by.” The words are said casually, but they’re not a request. They’re a demand. 

“Okay,” he breathes out. He’s too distracted by the way Kavinsky’s eyelashes brush against his cheek when he blinks to think of a good excuse about why he can’t go. 

Kavinsky releases his grip on his wrist and Jiang quickly stumbles back. They both stare at each other for a few seconds in silence. 

“You won’t tell anyone? Right?” 

“Your secret is safe with me. Scout’s honor.” Kavinsky says as he gives Jiang a two finger mock salute. He’ll take it. 

Jiang practically runs back to his dorm and slams the door behind him. His heart is still beating wildly in his chest, but a part of him still feels accomplished. He’s not sure how much he can trust Kavinsky, but he had promised not to say anything. As long as he stays quiet, Jiang knows his plan will succeed. All he has to do is wait. 

\-------

Unfortunately, Jiang isn’t there to see Warren get kicked out of school. The only reason he knows it happened at all is by Warren’s empty chair in class and from his roommate telling the story of how two Aglionby maintenance workers came into his room and packed up all of Warren’s stuff before leaving. 

Skov doesn’t know what he did and Jiang wants to keep it that way. He knows Skov would be upset that Jiang took such a risk for him, nevermind that Skov would have done the same exact thing for him if the situation was reversed. Well, Skov was probably more the type to get into a fight with Warren on Jiang’s behalf, but the sentiment would have been the same. Thankfully though, the only person that knows what happened is Kavinsky and he hasn’t been saying anything. 

As the days pass though, Jiang does notice Kavinsky staring at him. In class, during lunch, and sometimes after school whenever Jiang is walking back to his dorm and he has to pass by Kavinsky as he chain smokes in his white Mitsubishi. Kavinsky never tries to speak to him though. 

Jiang isn’t sure how he feels about any of it. He knows he’s not supposed to like it. Being noticed by Kavinsky is almost always a bad thing. Jiang would never openly admit this to anyone, but sometimes he got the feeling that there was something different about Kavinsky. He was wild, reckless, and had a huge ego, but there was also something in the way he carried himself that screamed of true power to Jiang. There was something more than simple confidence. Jiang is good at watching people and for as much as Kavinsky seemed to be watching him now, Jiang has been watching him for longer. Not that he really wants to admit that, but he has been. Kavinsky is the king of his own kingdom and he knows it. 

The feeling of being noticed by someone with power like that excites him. Kavinsky excites him. He knows he shouldn’t give into that impulse, the dark part of him that longs for excitement. It’s what got him into so much trouble last time, what made him have to transfer to Aglionby in the first place. He knows better than to get involved with Kavinsky, no matter how much Jiang finds him intriguing. 

The problem is, Jiang has never been good at not giving into his impulses when there’s the promise of excitement. He doesn’t like to be at the front of the action, but there has always been a part of him that longs to be involved, to be present. It’s that impulse that always gets him in trouble and it’s the same impulse that causes him to show up to Kavinsky’s party like he promised he would, despite the fact he knows he should be in his dorm studying for the history final he has on Monday. 

The party is taking place at Kavinsky’s mother’s mansion instead of the usual fairgrounds due to the cold weather and it seems like Kavinsky, or more likely Proko, actually took the time to set up some decorations for the holidays. There are Christmas lights strung up haphazardly along the walls and a Christmas tree in the corner that was knocked over within the first five minutes after the party started. 

He can barely hear anything over the pounding music pouring from the stereo and as he surveys everyone in the room, he’s already regretting his decision to come. There are kids grinding on the dance floor, some in the corner playing beer pong, and a few others that are huddled together doing some sort of drug, probably weed. 

Jiang takes a sip of the water in his red solo cup and wishes he could join in the fun. There had been a time when he would have as easily as breathing. Now...he’s different. At least, he’s supposed to be. He’s not supposed to want any of this anymore. And he doesn’t. 

He doesn’t. And yet, he does. 

He knows there are expectations for who he’s supposed to be. Expectations that have been put on him by his parents, his brother, the friends he hangs out with now who actually have their shit together unlike his friends back home in New York. They all help him be the person he’s supposed to be. If you believe his parents, they help him be the person he’s meant to be. 

He can’t take this anymore. He’s going home. 

Just as he slightly steps out of the corner to leave, Kavinsky enters the room. 

Nothing changes, not really, but suddenly Jiang can feel a change in the energy. Everyone, just for a second, reorients to look at Kavinsky. He smiles at them all, a smile that’s too pointed to be genuine, pleased with the attention. Then the moment is over. Everyone goes back to what they were doing and Jiang is the last one left staring. 

Kavinsky is still wearing his white tank top, though he’s wearing a light black jacket over it that’s slightly too big for him. Jiang figures it’s probably Proko’s. He’s also wearing his white sunglasses, though Jiang has no idea how he can possibly see in the dim light of the living room. He should look completely normal, like any other kid that’s attending the party, but to Jiang he looks otherworldly. 

Almost as if he can feel Jiang’s eyes on him, Kavinsky slowly turns his head and a slow smirk spreads across his face as he makes eye contact with Jiang. He starts walking towards him, and Jiang genuinely considers running away. He’s not sure if he can handle speaking with Joseph Kavinsky. Not tonight when the urges he’s gotten good at repressing are so close to the surface. 

He doesn’t run though and Kavinsky stops in front of him, pushing his white sunglasses on top of his head, giving Jiang a slight glance of his dark, deep set eyes. Jiang quickly looks away before they can make eye contact. 

“I didn’t think you would actually show up,” Kavinsky says. 

Jiang shrugs. “You invited me. It would have been rude not to come.” 

“You think I give a fuck about politeness?” 

“No.” The last thing Kavinsky cared about would be politeness and manners. That shouldn’t be so attractive to Jiang, but it was. 

“So, why are you actually here?” 

“I…” Why was he here? Because Kavinsky asked him? Because he was curious to see what one of Kavinsky’s parties were actually like? Because he wanted to fuck Kavinsky? Because he wanted to rebel against his parents? It was both all of them and none of them at the same time. “I don’t know.” He finally said, holding onto his cup tighter. 

“I have something that could help with that.” Jiang watches silently as Kavinsky reaches into the pocket of his jacket and pulls out a small purple pill. It’s not anything recognizable, but that doesn’t surprise him much. He’s heard that Kavinsky has some kind of way of getting all sorts of different drugs. He’s also not surprised that Kavinsky is offering him some either. 

“I don’t have any money to pay you with.” 

Kavinsky just smiles wider at him and shakes his head. “It’s on the house for you, babe.” 

Jiang feels his face heat slightly. He sort of wants to hear Kavinsky call him babe again, though he quickly tries to push the thought back down as fast as it occurs to him. “I shouldn’t…” 

Kavinsky steps forward into Jiang’s space, close enough for him to realize that Kavinsky actually has a light scattering of freckles along the bridge of his nose. Jiang’s breath hitches in his chest and he goes to take a step backward, but quickly runs into the wall. 

“Of course you shouldn’t. A good kid like you shouldn’t even be here, except you are.” Kavinsky takes another step forward and grabs Jiang’s chin. “But do you want to know what I think? I think that you’re in denial. I’ve noticed you staring at me for fucking months. You’re scared to be yourself, babe.” 

“You don’t know anything about who I am,” Jiang says quickly, but he doesn’t try to move his head out of Kavinsky’s grip. 

“I think you’re the one who doesn’t know anything about who you are.” 

“Fuck you.” Jiang spits out angrily and he raises his hands to shove Kavinsky away. As he places his hands on Kavinsky’s shoulders, Kavinsky suddenly surges forward and crashes their mouths together, shocking Jiang into inaction. 

The kiss is as violent as the man itself, there is no trace of softness or kindness in it. That should scare him, but instead Jiang feels himself kissing back with the same ferocity, reaching forward to pull Kavinsky’s body flush with his own. 

Kavinsky reaches his hand up and curls it around the back of his neck and slightly squeezes. Not enough to hurt, but enough for Jiang to feel it’s presence, to feel the casual ownership of it. He never would have thought that was something he was into, but he moans into Kavinsky’s mouth, so obviously he was wrong. 

As he goes to pull back from the kiss, Kavinsky suddenly delivers a rough bite to his bottom lip, and Jiang can feel the coppery taste of blood fill his mouth. Kavinsky pulls back then, smirking widely with Jiang’s blood staining his teeth. 

All Jiang can do is stare at Kavinsky, wondering how he’s even gotten himself into this situation. Wondering how he can get Kavinsky’s mouth back on him again despite the stinging pain that’s coming from his split lip. 

Kavinsky laughs at his dumbstruck expression. “Oh baby, you should see your face right now.” 

He holds his hand out again, the purple pill from earlier resting in his palm. “I know what you want, Jiang. I know what you need. Trust me.” 

Jiang knows he shouldn’t. The last person on earth he should trust is Joseph Kavinsky. By most standards, Kavinsky is an absolute failure. He’s a drug addict, barely passing most of his classes with high enough grades to stay at Aglionby, and he has no ambitions for his future beyond an endless parade of parties and drugs. Jiang knows he should be running in the opposite direction; that he should take Kavinsky as a warning sign of everything he shouldn’t allow himself to become. 

Instead, he takes the pill out of Kavinsky’s hand and downs it with a sip from the solo cup in his hand. 

Jiang has done drugs before, not that he likes to admit it, but he has. He knows about how long it takes for a high to set in. This drug though, whatever Kavinsky has given him, takes no time at all to kick in. He slightly stumbles forward to lean against Kavinsky’s body as the world alarmingly tilts around him for a few seconds. 

He finds himself laughing and clinging tighter to Kavinsky, hiding his face against his shoulder. He doesn’t feel high, not exactly. He feels completely clear headed, but more free somehow. Sort of like how he feels when he drinks alcohol where stupid things seem like excellent ideas. 

Kavinsky leans forward and nips at the shell of his ear and Jiang gasps loudly, uncaring if anyone hears him. 

“Now tell me what you want.” Kavinsky’s whisper against his ear almost feels like a caress. 

He considers the question for a few seconds. Normally, he would have been debating the ethics of doing the things he wanted vs. the things he needed. He would be worried about the consequences of his actions, but whatever drug Kavinsky has given him has cleared up his mind. It’s really not that hard for him to decide on what he truly wants. “Driving,” he breathes out, feeling almost breathless. “Take me driving.” 

He tilts his head back to look up at Kavinsky just in time to catch the surprised expression on his face. He feels a slight sense of pride. For all Kavinsky’s talk about knowing what Jiang needed, Jiang still has managed to surprise him. 

In the next second though, Kavinsky’s regained his cocky attitude and runs his fingers through Jiang’s hair. “I can take you driving. Let’s go.” 

Jiang is more than a little surprised that Kavinsky is willing to leave his own party for him of all people, but mostly he’s feeling excited. He hasn’t driven since that night. He misses it more than anything. 

Kavinsky grabs his hand and pulls him through the crowd and Jiang holds onto his hand tightly, pressing his body against Kavinsky’s because it’s something that he wants to do. Normally there would be something stopping him, but the reason why quickly evaporates as quickly as he tries to focus on it. 

“Proko!” Kavinsky barks loudly, and Jiang turns his head to see Proko rifling through a cabinet that looks like it's filled with alcohol. Top shelf stuff too. He slightly expects Kavinsky to tell Proko off for it, but he doesn’t. “We’re leaving.” 

Proko looks in between him and Kavinsky with an indecipherable look before he swipes a bottle of wine from the cabinet and bounds over to them. “Is he coming too?” he asks, not even bothering to look at Jiang. 

“I already told you he would be. We’re going driving.” Kavinsky says as they step into the chilly December air and leave the sounds of the party behind them. 

Jiang feels like he should be slightly put out by the fact that Kavinsky had already known for sure that he would be able to convince Jiang to come with him, certain enough that he had already told Proko about it. Jiang doesn’t focus on that though. He can be annoyed later. For now, Kavinsky is taking him driving and that’s what he really wants. 

They approach Kavinsky’s white Mitsubishi and Jiang’s eyes are instantly drawn to the red knife graphic on the side...except…

“It’s black now.” 

“What?” Kavinsky asks, stopping with his hand on the door handle of the driver’s side door to look over his shoulder at him. 

“The knife graphic. It used to be red.” 

“It’s always been black.” 

“No. It hasn’t. I remember.” 

He remembers passing by Kavinsky’s Mitsubishi and staring at the graphic, being struck by how the messy paint job made it look like the knife was surrounded by droplets of blood. He’s certain. The graphic was red. 

“You think I don’t remember what my own fucking car looks like?” 

Jiang knows Kavinsky remembers what his car looks like. He’s obsessed with his car. But he is lying, though Jiang doesn’t know why. The red graphic, and now the black one, are obviously homemade, almost certainly done by Kavinsky himself. There’s no way he could have lined up the paint splatters on a home job like that. That has to mean this Mitsubishi is a different one than the one he’s seen Kavinsky drive before. Except it’s not. Everything else is the same; it’s the same car that Jiang remembers. He wouldn’t put it past Kavinsky to buy a new car just to change the color of the graphic on the side, but if that’s what he did, why would he lie about it? Kavinsky isn’t the type of person to feel embarrassed about throwing money around like that. 

It’s strange, but there’s nothing he can really do. Kavinsky is insisting that the graphic was black and Jiang doesn’t really want to argue with him; he wants to drive. Still, he does want the last word, so he says, “I remember.” 

Kavinsky chuckles and glances towards Proko. “You weren’t nearly as coherent when I gave you that pill.” 

Proko rolls his eyes at Kavinsky. “I was hard. And you were teasing me.” If he’s embarrassed about saying the words in front of Jiang, he doesn’t show it. Not that Jiang is surprised. Prokopenko and Kavinsky aren’t exactly known for tasteful displays of affection. They’re infamous for the opposite. 

“Even I was surprised that your deepest desire was to be a slut. I had to drag that out.” 

“It wasn’t to be a slut. It was to be your slut, dumbass.” Proko scoffs. 

The words are dirty, but for a second Jiang swears that something about them strikes Kavinsky. He thinks it might be the first time he’s ever seen Kavinsky blush. Then again, it’s dark and maybe he’s imagining it.

“Can we go now?” he asks, starting to get impatient. He feels like he has an endless amount of adrenaline running in his veins. He’s not sure if it’s from whatever Kavinsky has given to him or if it’s from his excitement to finally get to race again, but he doesn’t care which it is. All he cares about is the fact that he feels more like himself than he has in months. 

Kavinsky chuckles and nods, climbing into the driver’s seat of the car. Jiang gets into the passenger seat as Proko climbs into the back. Jiang takes a moment to wonder if Proko minds being demoted to the backseat, but before he can think about it for long, Kavinsky has already slammed his foot onto the gas pedal sending the car racing backwards out of his driveway. 

They pull onto the road and Kavinsky instantly sends the Mitsubishi flying down the road and Jiang can’t help but laugh, feeling almost wild. Feeling almost like himself and who he wants to let himself be. 

They drive for a while, speeding down side roads and down highways and Jiang feels more at peace than he has in a long time. 

He’s a bit surprised when Kavinsky suddenly pulls the Mitsubishi off the road and turns to him. 

“Your turn to drive.” 

Instantly, he wants to say yes. That same feeling that’s accompanied him since he took the pill Kavinsky offered him roars in approval. He can drive. He wants it so badly it almost hurts. 

Almost distantly, he hears himself say, “I can’t.” 

“You can’t?” Kavinsky raises an eyebrow. “Why not?” 

“Because…” He’s not sure if he wants to trust Kavinsky with this information. He’s almost certain Kavinsky would laugh at him. Kavinsky doesn’t care what other people think of him and with the rumors Jiang has heard, he doubts that Kavinsky’s parents really care either. 

It’s not like that for him. 

“I got my license taken away,” he says hesitantly. “For street racing.” 

Kavinsky is giving him that look again, the one that says Jiang has just surprised him. He doesn’t get any pleasure from surprising Kavinsky this time. This was a part of his past he wishes didn’t exist. 

“You? Good boy Jiang street racing?” K laughs and he hears a disbelieving chuckle from the backseat from Proko. 

“It’s not fucking funny, okay?” he snaps, feeling embarrassed. “My parents had to pay a fine and I had to appear in court and everything. I can’t get caught driving without a license. My parents will kill me.” 

He knows his parents are disappointed in him. Jiang doesn’t like the feeling. He does want to make his parents proud of him. The problem is he’s addicted to this. To fast cars and to people like Kavinsky. Because as much as he wants his parents to be proud of him, deep down, he wants to be this more. He wants to be the boy who drives Kavinsky’s car and who goes with him to parties and who stops caring just for once about what everyone else thinks. 

“Forget them. Fuck your parents, honestly.” Kavinsky says. There’s a surprising amount of venom in his voice and Jiang isn’t quite sure what to make of it. “What is it that you want?”

“What I want doesn’t matter.” 

“Of course it matters.” Kavinsky is suddenly looking at him and Jiang feels like his gaze is piercing through him, like Kavinsky is somehow gazing into the darkest and most hidden parts of his soul. “That’s all that matters. It’s your life, isn’t it?” 

And suddenly, Jiang realizes something. Kavinsky probably can’t see into his soul, can’t see his darkest parts in the ways that Jiang imagines he can, but he could tell him. Jiang could tell Kavinsky every dark secret he’s ever had, every twisted thought, and Kavinsky wouldn’t run from him. Jiang doesn’t even think that Kavinsky would judge him.

“I just want to be happy,” he finally admits. That’s all he’s ever wanted. 

“And driving is one of the things that makes you happy?” 

Jiang nods weakly. All of it does. Driving and parties and the way that Kavinsky’s mouth feels on his. All of it makes him happy, even though he knows it shouldn’t. 

“Then drive. I’ll take care of the consequences.” 

The strange thing is that Jiang believes him. He believes that Kavinsky will take care of it in the same way that he took care of the boys who harassed Proko at the beginning of the year and in the same way that he’s guarded Jiang’s secret about what he did in Mr. Peterson’s classroom. There were a lot of negative things to say about Kavinsky, but Jiang had never once seen him go back on his word. If Kavinsky said he would take care of everything, then he would take care of it. 

Jiang quickly reaches down with shaking hands and unbuckles his seatbelt. He doesn’t want to give himself time to think it through. He throws open the passenger side door and quickly moves over to the driver’s side, climbing in and quickly shutting the door behind him. 

He stares at the steering wheel in front of him, too scared to put his hands on it quite yet. He knows that once he starts, there won’t be any going back. He won’t want to go back to how things were before. Not when he can have this again. 

He hears the passenger door close and Kavinsky is suddenly grabbing his chin, turning Jiang’s head so that he can pull him into a kiss. Jiang makes a surprised noise in the back of his throat, but leans forward into it. He’s willing to take anything that Kavinsky gives him. 

Almost as suddenly as it started, Kavinsky pulls back and settles into his seat with a smirk on his face. “For luck.” 

Jiang can feel the blush in his cheeks and he glances over at Proko to see his reaction. He almost expects to see anger, or at the very least some form of distaste, but instead Proko is studying him with that same impenetrable gaze he had leveled on Jiang back at the party. 

“Do I get one?” Proko finally asks. Jiang almost expects him to be talking to Kavinsky, but he’s staring directly at him. 

“Sure,” Jiang says, shocked. Before he can think it over more, Proko has already leaned forward to kiss him. Unlike Kavinsky who kisses like he’s trying to consume him, Proko’s kiss is almost sweet. If kissing Kavinsky was like being swept away by an ocean storm, kissing Proko reminds him of lazy waves and bright sunshine hitting golden sand.

Proko slowly pulls back from the kiss and without much thought Jiang leans in to press his lips softly against Proko’s again. When he pulls back from the second kiss, a genuine smile spreads across Proko’s face, the first one he’s seen from Proko all night. Jiang finds himself smiling back.

He doesn’t know why, but he almost feels fragile. He feels exposed, vulnerable. He hasn’t really said anything, but there’s a part of him that feels like he’s on the precipice of offering his heart on a silver platter. He doesn’t know what to make of that idea, what to make of this. 

“Are you going to drive us or what?” Proko asks and Jiang nods dumbly and quickly turns forward. With a shaking hand, he slowly moves the gearshift and hits the gas causing the Mitsubishi to lurch forward. 

Jiang almost backs out then and there. He can feel the power of Kavinsky’s car through the steering wheel; he can feel how entranced he is by the way the headlights pierce through the inky black of the night surrounding them. He’s finally in the front seat of a car again. He didn’t think he was going to be back here for a long time and certainly not in a position where he could race. He just wants to drive until he can’t feel the anxious thoughts pressing in on him anymore. 

“Come on, J. Fucking floor it.” Kavinsky says and those words snap the last thread of his self control. He slams his foot onto the gas and pulls them back onto the road. They’re on a straight stretch of road in the middle of nowhere and the Mitsubishi gains speed quickly as it races along the road. 

He hears Proko cheer loudly from the back and laughs himself, the sound almost wild. God, he missed this. The trees are racing by in his peripheral vision and the sound of the engine is better than any music Jiang has ever heard. He could die like this and be happy. 

\------

In the days after his drive with Kavinsky and Proko, things are uncertain. At least, they are for Jiang. Kavinsky had dropped him off in the Aglionby parking lot with a directive to find him at lunch on Monday. Jiang had agreed, but in the light of the next morning the party and the drive afterward had almost taken a sort of mystical quality. He can’t quite believe it was him that did all those things. He knows he should be ashamed and maybe a distant part of him is, but the predominant part is more surprised, more enchanted. He wants it to happen all over again, consequences be damned. 

He spends most of the weekend feeling anxious, especially when he wakes up Monday morning and realizes that he’s going to see Kavinsky and Proko again. He’s not sure what this thing between them is and he’s scared to ask in case that somehow ruins it. He spends most of his time worrying about what he should say to them in Latin, which is the first class of the day that they all have together. 

When he walks into the classroom though, all thoughts of Kavinsky and Proko leave his mind. Sitting in the front row, smiling and laughing like he never left, is Warren Poulson. Jiang freezes in the doorway, just staring at him. How was he back here? He was expelled for cheating, Jiang had made sure—

“Excuse me.” Jiang is pulled out of his thoughts by Gansey, who is standing behind him obviously trying to get inside the room. Jiang quickly steps to the side to let him in, his eyes still focused on Warren. He can feel a wave of anger starting to well up in his chest and Jiang does his best to push it down. Stupid fucking rich kid. After everything he had done, everything he had risked, all of it had been for nothing. Warren was back in school and would continue to bully Skov, all while Aglionby would probably enjoy a large “donation” from the Poulson family. 

He finally manages to pull his eyes from Warren and storms into the classroom to take his seat. He glances to the back of the room where Proko and Kavinsky usually sit and finds their seats empty. He’s not really surprised, but he wishes they were here. As nervous as he’s been all weekend about facing them again, now he was willing to take any distraction that would keep him from focusing on the anger he feels. Street racing was one thing, but getting expelled for beating Warren up in the middle of Latin class was another. 

And while his parents certainly had the money to bribe the headmaster into letting him back in like the Poulsons must have done for Warren, they wouldn’t. Jiang would officially be all out of second chances. 

So instead of doing anything, he sits in his seat, silently seething in anger. He needs to come up with another plan, he knows that he could, but coming up with another scheme to get Warren kicked out is going to take time. In that time, he’s certain Warren is going to keep harassing Skov and generally making his life hell. The unfairness of it all infuriates him and he can’t think of a plan much farther than hitting Warren the next time he dares look in Skov’s direction. 

Jiang feels his phone buzz in his pocket and quickly pulls it out, thankful for the distraction. The text is from an unknown number, but somehow Jiang is already sure of who it’s from. It’s only five words. Come to the parking lot. 

He looks back up at Warren again and reaches down to grab his bag. There’s nothing he can do about his presence now and while he’s normally against skipping class, he knows that with Warren in the room he isn’t going to be able to focus on anything anyway. He slips out the door before Whelk has even arrived and heads to the parking lot. He wonders what Kavinsky wants him for. The only thing he can think of is that Kavinsky might want to drive with him again and Jiang can only hope that’s what it is because he needs an outlet for all the anger that’s churning inside him. 

Once he gets outside, he scans the parking lot for Kavinsky, but instead of seeing him by his Mitsubishi like he’s expecting, he sees Kavinsky leaning against a red sports car, holding two baseball bats in his hand. 

Jiang’s surprised by the sight, but it doesn’t take him long to piece everything together. Kavinsky is leaning against Warren Poulson’s car and it doesn’t take a genius to imagine what the bats are supposed to be for. Jiang quickly walks to him, looking around to see if anyone else is out in the parking lot. 

“What are you thinking?” he asks angrily. He’s not really mad at Kavinsky, not exactly. The only thing that upsets him is that Kavinsky is tempting him in this way, offering to give Jiang exactly what he wants even though he knows that he shouldn’t want it. 

Kavinsky looks up at him lazily and offers him one of the baseball bats. “I figured you would want to teach this asshole a lesson.” 

He does. There’s nothing more Jiang wants than to take the bat from Kavinsky and smash Warren’s expensive car until it’s unrecognizable. It won’t fix the problem of Warren’s return, but it would at least make Jiang feel like he could actually do something to damage him after everything he’s put Skov through. 

“We can’t do it like this,” he insists. There are a million problems with this plan, the main one being that absolutely anybody could walk by and see them. 

“Why not?” Kavinsky asks in a bored voice as if he was expecting he was going to have to wade through all of Jiang’s protests. 

“I don’t want to be expelled!” 

“You’re not going to be expelled. Proko will handle anyone who sees us.” 

That sort of surprises him because he hadn’t seen Proko anywhere and even when he scans the parking lot again, he still can’t spot him. 

“How is he going to handle it?” 

“Everyone wants something or is afraid of something,” Kavinsky shrugs. “I make it my business to know what that is. Besides, Warren is an asshole. It won’t take much bribery to keep people from talking. He’s getting what he deserves.” 

Jiang wants to argue more, but he can’t find any more words. He knows this is stupid, but just like before in the car, there’s a part of him that trusts Kavinsky. He trusts him when he says that he’ll make sure Jiang is okay if he does this, that he’ll protect him. 

He finally reaches out and grabs the bat from Kavinsky’s hand, moving around to the front of Warren’s car. It really is beautiful. Jiang admires the craftsmanship of it and the way that the red paint job gleams in the midday sun. It’s a perfect car. 

The windshield shatters on his first swing. 

He hears Kavinsky let out a whoop of joy and more glass shattering, probably from one of the side windows. 

Once he starts swinging, Jiang can’t find it in himself to stop. He puts all of his frustration behind his hits, all the anger that he’s been holding onto for years. He thinks about how pissed he is that Warren can do whatever he wants to Skov and get away with it because his parents are rich. He thinks about how frustrated he is that his parents want him to be exactly like his brother. He’s furious about all of it, but he’s also scared too. He’s terrified of turning out exactly like his parents want him to because then he’ll have given up on himself and who he truly is. He knows that he’ll go through his life like a ghost, never feeling as alive as he does when he’s behind a wheel or as alive as he feels right now smashing the headlights of Warren’s car to pieces. 

Finally, when his arms hurt from swinging, Jiang drops the bat onto the ground and stares at the car. The windshield and headlights are completely shattered and huge dents are scattered across the hood. He can’t see the full extent of the damage that Kavinsky wrecked onto the back and sides of the car, but knowing him, he doubts it’s minimal. 

He reaches back down to pick up the bat and moves around to the side of the car to stand by Kavinsky’s side. He can hear the sound of broken glass being crushed beneath his feet and he can’t imagine a more satisfying sound. 

They stand together in silence for a few moments before Kavinsky says, “You really are more interesting than I expected.”

“I’m just good at pretending I’m not.” 

Kavinsky turns to look at him, an almost mischievous gleam in his eyes. “Are you done with that?” 

Jiang surveys the broken car in front of him and then studies the wild look in Kavinsky’s eyes. Choosing this, choosing Kavinsky, might be a bad choice. It may be the worst choice he’s ever made in his life. But at least it’ll be his choice. At least he’ll be choosing his life for himself for once. Besides, Jiang has a feeling that this isn’t the wrong choice, like maybe he was waiting all his life for this. 

“Yeah,” he finally says. “I’m done with pretending.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you want, you can come shout at me about the Dream Pack on Tumblr at vexed-chaos


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